Read the text in this image of a description of a Spirit Halloween animatronic.

I am seriously opposed to real environmental degradation, like water and air pollution, habitat encroachment, clear-cutting old-growth, etc. I love trees and hate to see them cut down needlessly.

But just ONCE I’d like to see a Halloween decoration’s political backstory be something other than boilerplate lefty tropes. Maybe something like this:

The Story of the

Long, long ago, there was a family of farmers living in the fertile lands north of a great inland sea. They made enough for their modest needs, and were even able to sell a little at the market. They were happy.

A century ago, however, the communists came along and told them that their success came at the expense of others and that they should not own property. And so the communists collectivized the family’s farm and began taking the grain they grew to feed people in the cities—especially important officials and party apparatchiks.

When the family began to starve, the father resisted and the communist soldiers shot him. The mother too was killed after “stealing” seeds of grain left over in the fields, in the hope of secretly planting something for next year. The children starved to death soon after.

The family’s spirits reunited in the fields near their home, saddened and twisted with resentment—their tortured wails carried on the eastern wind. No communist who walks through their field is spared their bitter revenge: bellies filling with grain seeds until they burst forth…their entrails becoming fertilizer for the next year’s crop.

Some say that you can hear them at night calling the name Walter Duranty—trying to lure him forth and make him pay for denying that anything bad had been done to them.

How about that, oh writers at Spirit Halloween? No? Let me guess—no one ever taught you any of this stuff. Fine. I guess I’ll just have to wait for next year’s new releases…

GIANT RAT—made abnormally large by the ravages of climate change, it wreaks gory vengeance on SUV drivers


GHOSTLY TRANSGENDER INMATE—made furious by the fact that tax dollars were not used for his sex-reassignment surgery, he now haunts any cisgenders who pass by his creepy abandoned prison.